Had like 200 yesterday... maybe three. Same today I hope!

Today was amazing. I had water, two diet cokes and a skinny vanilla latte. That's  90 calories today. I can't even tell you the high I am on. But I was seriously looking at food and was afraid of it. My cousins were eating leftovers and chips and dip and candy and I was so scared of that food. My stomach was growling, but I couldn't even touch it. I was scared.

still feeling shitty about last night.. I wanted so badly to not even let that food touch me, but my body had other plans I guess... Onwards and upwards, right? Or in this case downwards is ideal :)

Ahhh fuck I probably had 500 fucking calories today. shit shit shit. effing food sitting there, people staring at me expecting me to eat. I chewed and spat some things, ate some salad and then some unmentionables for real, tried to purge, still didn't work. fuck fuck fuck. 500 is so bad. hopefully i can make up for it tomorrow

I did some sit- ups on the floor to make myself feel better, but i'd rather purge. Why can't I do it??

I had to go out for lunch with the family - its our tradition on boxing day  :(   I picked at a few things, ate some green beans and diet coke. I hope I didn't have more than 300 cals buts its so hard to tell with restaurants. I suspect they essentially fry everything or coat everything in butter. No more food today. I will eat a few veggies at dinner tonight, but its more of a cocktail party, so I will only eat some raw veggies if people get suspicious. And sip on diet coke of course.

Honestly I felt so good about only eating veg for dinner, because we have this big family meal so I couldn't not eat... I didn't eat any dessert, even though today is my birthday and they had a cake just for me along with all of the other desserts like pie, cookies, squares, blah blah blah... So I ate maybe 300 cals and I feel obese. Like actually stuffed to the brim. Soooo lame.

Had two redbulls during the day, and then some broccoli and mashed potatoes for dinner... I'm saying maybe 300 cals at the worst today. Not too shabby. Got lots of great presents... no clothes obviously - I don't want to tell people what size I am. No clothes look good on me anyways - all my rolls and flab just make me look gross in everything.

Gave myself a headache from trying to purge... lame. And I didn't even get anything out of it. No pun intended. especially one as bad as that.

Tried to purge the wine but it had obviously been too long... nose and eyes streaming and nothing came up. Maybe I just didn't try for long enough... I gagged numerous times, my stomach heaving... what am I doing wrong? I have never been able to purge successfully. I KNOW its something you shouldn't start... but does anyone know what I am doing wrong? I heard drinking some water beforehand is good practice, but I didn't think it was neccessary... Any ideas?