Ahhh sorry everyone!! I have been pretty terrible, and veeeerrry busy these last few weeks and I know my blogging has suffered.

Happy Christmas to everyone - I hope that you stick to your guns!!

I have been spending most days with my bf so its been really tough to restrict the way I would want to... I guess that's the price you pay for love! lol

Can't wait for presents!

yesterday was good - had a small quesadilla for dinner and a soy latte later in the evening. Not ideal, but not bad. I am trying to stay positive, since I don't want to ruin my holidays by feeling like a failure.

house cleaning is burning some good calories, and i'm keeping busy to avoid eating.

think thin!

ruined yesterday by eating a chocolate muffin at 10.30 pm. DAMN!!!!! I was doing so well. Can't wait for the new year, but I'm gonna try and not fuck up again EVER. Had to turn the bathroom taps on full to hide the sound of my gagging over the toilet. AWKward.

today I've had a sugar-free red bull for brekkie and cottage cheese for lunch (1%MF).

Going out around dinner time with a friend - that'll keep me honest :)

happy holidays everyone!

been under 1000 every day, but don't feel any different. I'll just keep it under 800 from now on - see if I see any improvement.

Cleaned the house today, getting ready for christmas!!

PS Being on holidays is the best :) Plus there's nobody around during the day - so nice.

think thin!

muesli and light soy milk. couple spoonfuls of risotto. trying to keep it together. fish and veggies for dinner.

gotta think thin!

granola bar and two pieces of wheat bread. god I love carbs... so embarrassing, lol.

finally done school for the semester! now I can just concentrate on weight loss for 3 weeks :)

I'll let you know how it goes!

today was good: banana, granola bar, piece of bread

think thin!

Exam done. Panic has subsided to some degree, but not completely. Still need scales.

Things that would make me happy:

Having my diet pills arrive in the mail already
Reaching a weight of 109 lbs ASAP
Not feeling like a failure when I binge
Not feeling like a failure when I cannot purge it all
Being able to jog for more than 30 mins every day
More money in the bank
A ring on my finger ;)
Going skiing for Christmas with my man
Not feeling like every person I see is judging me
Being able to eat in front of others without freaking
Not having family members force me to eat
Getting an A+ in every class
Having hair that doesn't require so much maintenance to look good
Never getting pimples
Being able to wear any type of jeans without looking obese
Looking awesome in my bikini
Having epic/gorgeous heels in my closet
Having control over my life.


ARGH.

my scales are fucked. depending on how I stand, I get a difference of 6 lbs. soooo annoying, so I am ignoring.

Hence my panic attack last night, and the one I am having now. Feels like I can't even breathe. And the fact that I have an exam at noon doesn't help.

see you on the other side, gonna go vomit.

yaaay tuesday.. or not. woke up SO EFFING early to drive to school. gross.

i've had a granola bar and soy milk. permanent headache is still around, such a jerk.

Yesterday was a disaster! My parents had my birthday dinner, even though its not my birthday and we had soo much food I couldn't get away from it all! We had a spanish theme: tapas and paella. So I ate some cheese and olives and maybe some bread and THEN some paella too!! And of course dessert because you "can't not eat your own birthday dessert"... oy vay. Restricting heavily today - I hate the feeling of food inside of me, but a little goes a long way in renewing my attention span for studying and schoolwork. And I HAVE to get A+ in everything or I will be so pissed off.

Back to revision!!

yesterday I ate two small sandwiches. One peanut butter, one chicken. Why?? Chicken?? I don't even EAT chicken normally. Oh well. Had a nice night out with friends, so that was a good end to the day.

today I have had 300 cals worth of crepes. booo... that's it for me today!

ttyl! xoxo

had a small piece of fish and some steamed veggies with parents. no dessert. love it.

Almost passed out today.. so I ate a granola bar :)

Other than that I have had 2 diet cokes.

Working on a term paper that is due tomorrow afternoon - had a big quiz this morning which went AMAZING :D

I can do this. WE can do this.

xoxo

didn't get pressured into dinner today! Yaaay!

I love it when people just leave me alone. That's the way it should be.

just ordered heartagram gear for myself and my bf. So happy!!

Today I am trying to get work done, but I can't even concentrate... It's kinda frustrating... I have eaten some cottage cheese and some soymilk in an attempt to gain some energy, but every time I eat something my body just wants to eat and eat and never stop. It makes me so scared. I hate not feeling like I can be in control of my body and get what I want.

diet coke for the rest of the day, hopefully nobody tries to make dinner for me.

Pursuant to my previous post, I should say that intelligence can play a role in developing an ED however I was referring to the ability to resist it once you already have one. I wasn't very specific I know, I was just venting my feelings. I guess what I wrote doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't even mean what I think it means. I didn't intend to spark debate on the origin of EDs or the role of intelligence in disordered behaviour. It was just rambling.

Aside

Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Sometimes I think it does, sometimes I think I am stupid to do these things. I can't help what my heart wants. That's just the way it is, and any logical reasoning isn't going to fix me.

Taylor Swift has great arms. Mine should be so slender. She has a great boyfriend it seems. So do I, although he doesn't have THOSE abs.

School is so busy right now, you would think I wouldn't have time to eat. If only.

Listening to Mad Bird's songs on her blogpage while I work away. Thanks my dear!

ugh i just hate myself, it doesn't matter what i do... WHY AREN'T MY DIET PILLS HERE YET?!?!!?

Booo chocolate kisses... I am calling it 500 cals, but its likely not even that much. I like to seriously overexagerrate my calories when I write them down to discourage any further eating.

think thin!!

So far today:

granola bar (100)
cottage cheese (100)

hopefully skipping dinner!!

I ate a crepe with sugar free jam... I feel suuuper guilty now, but I will just have salad for dinner and hopefully the guilt will go away. Need to jog it off!!!!

yesterday was good, only had a salad dressed with salsa :)

so far, only coffee today!

trying to stay busy, that's the key (for me anyways)

stay strong!!!

went for a run - now i'm dizzy :)

I had way more food than I intended to today.. my grandmother won't leave me alone, and I feel SO BAD always turning her down.. I am going away for the weekend to get away from the constant pushing of food, and tomorrow I can restrict even more to make up for today. Just salad for dinner at the most tomorrow.

ttyl - think thin!

hunger pangs. why aren't my diet pills here yet???

control. I am in control.

back to keeping my food journal. taking lots of vitamins, drinking lots of water.

I haven't slipped, and I won't.

praying for Mad Bird's mother. xoxo

that's it, i'm taking up running.

i hate myself.

my eating disorder is crazy. so crazy. the things in my head... sometimes I can't believe how stupid I am.

but if I stop - i'll be even fatter than i already am.

there is no way out!

watching 'super skinny me' and eating carbs... how does that makes sense.

I hate binge eating. HATE HATE HATE

I have realized that I can't eat proper food. It makes me lose control. It makes me think I can be normal, when I put that food in and swallow. I hate it so much, because I'm kidding myself if I think I'm normal.

Right now my body is only craving candy, so that's all I'm going to have. It makes me feel sick to eat candy, especially chocolate because I am lactose intolerant, so its a great plan: I'm eating what I like, but I can't eat too much because it makes me feel horrible. God knows why my body would crave something that makes it feel sooo bad, but who am I to argue? I'll eat it, it'll make me vomit, and its a win-win.

Sweet.

no pun intended... lol

Biggest Aim? Going from size 8 to size 0

Need a 24 inch waist.. I would settle for 25 at this point, but I know the ultimate goal is 24.

I think 24 inch waist is a size 0, although I'm not obviously speaking from experience, lol.

I'm gonna go get myself a tape measure!

I am counting down to receiving my diet pills!! I feel almost out of control until they arrive. Then I am starting Dr. Bernstein in the new year - yaaay! Because of my binge eating I am actually technically overweight. So gross, I know - count yourselves lucky... Anyways, so medically supervised super-fast weight loss is just what I need to avoid binging because I am going to be accountable to someone other than myself. It's gonna be awesome. 5lbs/week gone, and no binging because I'll be taking out that element of "oh it's never going to work anyways".

So excited.

Oh, and I've had 500 cals - and that'll probably be it!

I want my diet pills to get here nooowwww!!! AND I want to go skiing so bad. SO BAD. I'm counting down.

I just ordered Green Surge diet pills!!

27 mg of ephedra
225 mg of caffeine

plus it has bitter orange, yohimbe, theobroma and willow bark! Seemed like a good choice AND it was the most cost effective of all the 27 mg dose pills. I figured go big or go home...

I'll let you know how it goes!

Grandparents ordered chinese when they visited last night. fried food galore. it was stomach churning - both looking at the grease, and feeling it in my stomach after I couldn't hold off any longer.

laxatives today. they make my life hell, but they make my brain stop screaming at me to get the food out. So far, so good. Besides the obvious downsides that is. trying to avoid giving too much info on that one.

movies with the girls tonight - that'll improve my mood hopefully, as long as they don't make horrible fattening snacks for me to binge on!

So far today I have had water. Just water. I think I will try to keep it that way!!

I really appreciate any input you have on diet pills you have tried in the past, so thank you to those who have contacted me or commented! If you have any good or bad experiences to share, I would be sooo grateful for your comments!

Emma

best diet pill you've tried? I want some, but I hate all the hype - just tell the truth people!

today was better:

banana
granola bar
2 pieces of bread
1 tablespoon of peanut butter

thats 500 cals.

I hope I can last until at least noon tomorrow, but getting up early always makes me dizzy, so I don't know if I might have to eat SOMETHING tomorrow morning.

today I had organic cereal and soymilk, a granola bar, some random shit that a friend at school shared with me that I couldn't say no to because I was so goddam hungry, rainbow trout, rice and salad. Oh and of course a fuck-ton of chocolate because my body craves it EVERY DAY.

So that's what? 6,000,000 calories?

Okay, maybe its 950 plus however much chocolate I ate. Which is probably like 200-300...

I hate bingeing. Especially since I am incapable of making myself throw up. Which I would if I could.

I wanna dieeee. Gotta get me some serious will-power.

I am cutting back on the eating. Like SO MUCH. I am at 500 and that's it for the day.

On a positive note, I am going to buy some diet pills. I am thinking Green Stinger. Anyone tried them? Let me know if they are good!

I just ate A LOT of pizza. Like a clinically diagnosed binge.

How can I live with myself?? Knowing that I am gonna lose weight like its nobody's business.

Here we go.

Woah, I lasted two weeks... impressive

Back

Yeah, that'll never happen.

Learn to love yourself. That is the answer.

Notorious

Wow, I am notoriously bad at posting, but this is crazy.

I have been varying my caloric intake a lot from day to day... some are less than 500, some are more than 1000 (not on purpose usually). My metabolism has been benefitting, but I don't think it's letting me lose a LOT of weight. I feel like a heffer...

I can't wait for skiing to start so that I can spend all day burning more calories than I can count.

xoxo

food is the enemy

Last night I had sushi (200 cals) and some chocolate (so that's a disaster)

Today I have had some toast (300 cals) and a cookie (probably 200)

so I hate myself...

Disgust

Every time I eat, I feel sick to my stomach.

Could this be psychosomatic? I think it might be. My guilt is making me want to vomit. Now if only I could comply!

Greek

Yesterday was so promising! I had a granola bar for lunch, but then my bf decided we should go out for greek food. I was soo hungry too.

appetizers: 400 cals
meal: 200 cals

aaaand a couple bites of galaktobourikos.

Death to meeeeeee

Feel fat this morning, still avoiding the scale.

Had two crepes with jam for breakfast to get my metab going again, since I have been lacking in the BM division... ew I know. But only 200 cals to get things going again!

I'll keep you updated on my day :)

think thin lovelies!

Ugh

So I was with my boyfriend last night, and he made me eat a hamburger!

At least it was home-made, so it was just lean ground beef and a bun, but still! Disaster!

Today will be better :)

Onwards and upwards! (or downwards on the scale, I guess)

Another Day

Early class is horrible. But I suffered through it somehow!

Kashi Bar: 150 cals

And now I undertake a 4 hour car ride - so nothing more until dinner - which I can hopefully get out of anyways!

xoxo lovelies!

Success

yoga: -400 cals

Carrots & Hummus: 200 cals
Bread: 200 cals
Hershey Kisses: 200 cals

NET: 200 cals!!

AWESOME

A Brave New World

Yesterday was yesterday. I can't change it. But I can do better today!

I have class from noon to 3 and a job interview from 3.45 to 7pm. Yay fasting!!

Just call me Uncle Karl.

xoxo

Death

death by dinner. am now jumping rope to punish myself.

french onion soup: 400 cals
mussels: 100 cals
bread: 200 cals

jumping rope: -300 cals

I'm sorry.

Frustration

My doctor was sooo wrong. Eating "healthy" food and being "normal" got me no-where. I am still fat and depressed.

SO that means I am back to my ED ways! And happy about it, I guess.

No food yet today. Going out for dinner, might have some salad or veggie soup!

I'll keep you posted. I am not sure of my CW since I am afraid to step on the scale, but my BMI is definitely over 20. Let's not go there.

99 lbs is the goal!

500 cals / day until I get there.

xoxo

The News

Just got back from the doctor's. She's really nice, I swear, but this is what she said: That I need to eat more. She's having me come back in 2 weeks to check on me! I have to write down everything I eat (which I already do, but I am going to have to make a nice new one for her eyes only now) and she is going to monitor my progress. But she did have one nice thing to say: That I am good to exercise so much, and that the food I DO eat is very healthy and well balanced.

I just have to eat more of it.

Damn.

Working

Things are going surprisingly well. But I have that doctor's appt tomorrow... Super nervous!

Fun

So people are starting to make fun of my lunches again. I always bring a load of veggies and little else for lunches, and the guys love to tease me about my choices. "Oh a dozen tomatoes today, is it? What will it be tomorrow? Three english cucumbers and an organic carrot?"

Yes. I eat a lot of vegetables. I don't mind being teased about that. We should ALL eat more vegetables.

Balenciaga

makes me happy. But since it is too expensive for a grad present (according to my parents) I will have to downgrade to Coach or some other purse. It makes me sad. I would also have loved some Chanel, but alas, it was not to be.

P.S. Feeling skinnier this morning!

Small Success

I have resisted ordering ice cream treats like everyone else in the office.

I have resisted food so far today, and have bicycled and walked as well as done some pilates.

Gotta take those small successes in my stride!

Cross

I can't wait to be able to cross my legs and not have lardy adipose tissue deposits get in the way! I want to see sunlight between my thighs, even when I am squeezing them together! I want my knees to be the largest part of my legs!

Is that too much? Or too little?

Morning

It's one thing to get a headache during or even after the workday. It's quite another to wake up to a headache. It just pisses me off. What does my brain have to complain about after sleeping for ten hours?

Jerk.

Good Day

I am having a good day. Woke up feeling skinny despite 'that time of the month'. Yes I still get that. Another reminder of my gross overweight. But I digress...

Coffee and Diet Pepsi only so far.

Wish me luck!

Gotta Have

http://cache.net-a-porter.com/images/products/48413/48413_in_l.jpg

Dreaming

Of looking like this:

http://static.feber.se/article_images/10/63/78/106378.jpg

Space

I can't even concentrate on work. My mind wanders, uninterested in anything but counting calories and counting down to the next workout. I need focus, I need to be able to function like a normal person.

I need to force my brain to concentrate on something other than calories IN and OUT.

Reflection

Looking in the mirror during aerobics class, thinking to myself that I can't get any fatter. I am as fat as they come. Jiggly thighs that make me want to purge, love handles that make me want to cut them off with pruning shears. Fat arms that scream bingo hall.

This is why I avoid mirrors.

Safe Foods

Cottage Cheese
Berries
Vegetables
Egg Whites
Kashi Bars
Oatmeal
Coffee
Diet Soda

+ Chicken/Fish for dinner if I must

What it takes

I know what it takes to lose weight. I have done it. I also know that my body is fighting me every step of the way. I can feel it, and I know it is happening, medically speaking.

And so I hate myself.

Silver Lining

I was horrible this past weekend. So much food, so little exercise...

But on the upside, my mother said I was thinner when I got back yesterday.

I can't wait to move out.

Panic

I dodged a bullet today. I thought I had a doctor's appt. but it wasn't today. I was so petrified to be weighed in public.

I don't want anyone to know

Idle Hands

Cottage this weekend with A... Temptation will knock, but will I answer the door?

I hate weekends. I wait for them all week, and then they arrive and ruin everything. Why isn't sawdust tastier?

Guilt

Why do I feel guilty if I only work out for one hour a day? Why should I feel guilty about only burning 500-600 calories in a day, instead of 1000? Is 600 not good enough?

... No it's really not.

Distraction

UGW: 110

Doctor's appt tomorrow, then I will inevitably be told my current status as a fat-ass.

Ew