Ahhh sorry everyone!! I have been pretty terrible, and veeeerrry busy these last few weeks and I know my blogging has suffered.

Happy Christmas to everyone - I hope that you stick to your guns!!

I have been spending most days with my bf so its been really tough to restrict the way I would want to... I guess that's the price you pay for love! lol

Can't wait for presents!

yesterday was good - had a small quesadilla for dinner and a soy latte later in the evening. Not ideal, but not bad. I am trying to stay positive, since I don't want to ruin my holidays by feeling like a failure.

house cleaning is burning some good calories, and i'm keeping busy to avoid eating.

think thin!

ruined yesterday by eating a chocolate muffin at 10.30 pm. DAMN!!!!! I was doing so well. Can't wait for the new year, but I'm gonna try and not fuck up again EVER. Had to turn the bathroom taps on full to hide the sound of my gagging over the toilet. AWKward.

today I've had a sugar-free red bull for brekkie and cottage cheese for lunch (1%MF).

Going out around dinner time with a friend - that'll keep me honest :)

happy holidays everyone!

been under 1000 every day, but don't feel any different. I'll just keep it under 800 from now on - see if I see any improvement.

Cleaned the house today, getting ready for christmas!!

PS Being on holidays is the best :) Plus there's nobody around during the day - so nice.

think thin!

muesli and light soy milk. couple spoonfuls of risotto. trying to keep it together. fish and veggies for dinner.

gotta think thin!

granola bar and two pieces of wheat bread. god I love carbs... so embarrassing, lol.

finally done school for the semester! now I can just concentrate on weight loss for 3 weeks :)

I'll let you know how it goes!

today was good: banana, granola bar, piece of bread

think thin!

Exam done. Panic has subsided to some degree, but not completely. Still need scales.

Things that would make me happy:

Having my diet pills arrive in the mail already
Reaching a weight of 109 lbs ASAP
Not feeling like a failure when I binge
Not feeling like a failure when I cannot purge it all
Being able to jog for more than 30 mins every day
More money in the bank
A ring on my finger ;)
Going skiing for Christmas with my man
Not feeling like every person I see is judging me
Being able to eat in front of others without freaking
Not having family members force me to eat
Getting an A+ in every class
Having hair that doesn't require so much maintenance to look good
Never getting pimples
Being able to wear any type of jeans without looking obese
Looking awesome in my bikini
Having epic/gorgeous heels in my closet
Having control over my life.


ARGH.

my scales are fucked. depending on how I stand, I get a difference of 6 lbs. soooo annoying, so I am ignoring.

Hence my panic attack last night, and the one I am having now. Feels like I can't even breathe. And the fact that I have an exam at noon doesn't help.

see you on the other side, gonna go vomit.

yaaay tuesday.. or not. woke up SO EFFING early to drive to school. gross.

i've had a granola bar and soy milk. permanent headache is still around, such a jerk.

Yesterday was a disaster! My parents had my birthday dinner, even though its not my birthday and we had soo much food I couldn't get away from it all! We had a spanish theme: tapas and paella. So I ate some cheese and olives and maybe some bread and THEN some paella too!! And of course dessert because you "can't not eat your own birthday dessert"... oy vay. Restricting heavily today - I hate the feeling of food inside of me, but a little goes a long way in renewing my attention span for studying and schoolwork. And I HAVE to get A+ in everything or I will be so pissed off.

Back to revision!!

yesterday I ate two small sandwiches. One peanut butter, one chicken. Why?? Chicken?? I don't even EAT chicken normally. Oh well. Had a nice night out with friends, so that was a good end to the day.

today I have had 300 cals worth of crepes. booo... that's it for me today!

ttyl! xoxo

had a small piece of fish and some steamed veggies with parents. no dessert. love it.

Almost passed out today.. so I ate a granola bar :)

Other than that I have had 2 diet cokes.

Working on a term paper that is due tomorrow afternoon - had a big quiz this morning which went AMAZING :D

I can do this. WE can do this.

xoxo

didn't get pressured into dinner today! Yaaay!

I love it when people just leave me alone. That's the way it should be.

just ordered heartagram gear for myself and my bf. So happy!!

Today I am trying to get work done, but I can't even concentrate... It's kinda frustrating... I have eaten some cottage cheese and some soymilk in an attempt to gain some energy, but every time I eat something my body just wants to eat and eat and never stop. It makes me so scared. I hate not feeling like I can be in control of my body and get what I want.

diet coke for the rest of the day, hopefully nobody tries to make dinner for me.

Pursuant to my previous post, I should say that intelligence can play a role in developing an ED however I was referring to the ability to resist it once you already have one. I wasn't very specific I know, I was just venting my feelings. I guess what I wrote doesn't make any sense, and it doesn't even mean what I think it means. I didn't intend to spark debate on the origin of EDs or the role of intelligence in disordered behaviour. It was just rambling.

Aside

Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Sometimes I think it does, sometimes I think I am stupid to do these things. I can't help what my heart wants. That's just the way it is, and any logical reasoning isn't going to fix me.

Taylor Swift has great arms. Mine should be so slender. She has a great boyfriend it seems. So do I, although he doesn't have THOSE abs.

School is so busy right now, you would think I wouldn't have time to eat. If only.

Listening to Mad Bird's songs on her blogpage while I work away. Thanks my dear!

ugh i just hate myself, it doesn't matter what i do... WHY AREN'T MY DIET PILLS HERE YET?!?!!?