The News

Just got back from the doctor's. She's really nice, I swear, but this is what she said: That I need to eat more. She's having me come back in 2 weeks to check on me! I have to write down everything I eat (which I already do, but I am going to have to make a nice new one for her eyes only now) and she is going to monitor my progress. But she did have one nice thing to say: That I am good to exercise so much, and that the food I DO eat is very healthy and well balanced.

I just have to eat more of it.

Damn.

Working

Things are going surprisingly well. But I have that doctor's appt tomorrow... Super nervous!

Fun

So people are starting to make fun of my lunches again. I always bring a load of veggies and little else for lunches, and the guys love to tease me about my choices. "Oh a dozen tomatoes today, is it? What will it be tomorrow? Three english cucumbers and an organic carrot?"

Yes. I eat a lot of vegetables. I don't mind being teased about that. We should ALL eat more vegetables.

Balenciaga

makes me happy. But since it is too expensive for a grad present (according to my parents) I will have to downgrade to Coach or some other purse. It makes me sad. I would also have loved some Chanel, but alas, it was not to be.

P.S. Feeling skinnier this morning!

Small Success

I have resisted ordering ice cream treats like everyone else in the office.

I have resisted food so far today, and have bicycled and walked as well as done some pilates.

Gotta take those small successes in my stride!

Cross

I can't wait to be able to cross my legs and not have lardy adipose tissue deposits get in the way! I want to see sunlight between my thighs, even when I am squeezing them together! I want my knees to be the largest part of my legs!

Is that too much? Or too little?

Morning

It's one thing to get a headache during or even after the workday. It's quite another to wake up to a headache. It just pisses me off. What does my brain have to complain about after sleeping for ten hours?

Jerk.

Good Day

I am having a good day. Woke up feeling skinny despite 'that time of the month'. Yes I still get that. Another reminder of my gross overweight. But I digress...

Coffee and Diet Pepsi only so far.

Wish me luck!

Gotta Have

http://cache.net-a-porter.com/images/products/48413/48413_in_l.jpg

Dreaming

Of looking like this:

http://static.feber.se/article_images/10/63/78/106378.jpg

Space

I can't even concentrate on work. My mind wanders, uninterested in anything but counting calories and counting down to the next workout. I need focus, I need to be able to function like a normal person.

I need to force my brain to concentrate on something other than calories IN and OUT.

Reflection

Looking in the mirror during aerobics class, thinking to myself that I can't get any fatter. I am as fat as they come. Jiggly thighs that make me want to purge, love handles that make me want to cut them off with pruning shears. Fat arms that scream bingo hall.

This is why I avoid mirrors.

Safe Foods

Cottage Cheese
Berries
Vegetables
Egg Whites
Kashi Bars
Oatmeal
Coffee
Diet Soda

+ Chicken/Fish for dinner if I must

What it takes

I know what it takes to lose weight. I have done it. I also know that my body is fighting me every step of the way. I can feel it, and I know it is happening, medically speaking.

And so I hate myself.

Silver Lining

I was horrible this past weekend. So much food, so little exercise...

But on the upside, my mother said I was thinner when I got back yesterday.

I can't wait to move out.

Panic

I dodged a bullet today. I thought I had a doctor's appt. but it wasn't today. I was so petrified to be weighed in public.

I don't want anyone to know

Idle Hands

Cottage this weekend with A... Temptation will knock, but will I answer the door?

I hate weekends. I wait for them all week, and then they arrive and ruin everything. Why isn't sawdust tastier?

Guilt

Why do I feel guilty if I only work out for one hour a day? Why should I feel guilty about only burning 500-600 calories in a day, instead of 1000? Is 600 not good enough?

... No it's really not.

Distraction

UGW: 110

Doctor's appt tomorrow, then I will inevitably be told my current status as a fat-ass.

Ew