Had like 200 yesterday... maybe three. Same today I hope!

Today was amazing. I had water, two diet cokes and a skinny vanilla latte. That's  90 calories today. I can't even tell you the high I am on. But I was seriously looking at food and was afraid of it. My cousins were eating leftovers and chips and dip and candy and I was so scared of that food. My stomach was growling, but I couldn't even touch it. I was scared.

still feeling shitty about last night.. I wanted so badly to not even let that food touch me, but my body had other plans I guess... Onwards and upwards, right? Or in this case downwards is ideal :)

Ahhh fuck I probably had 500 fucking calories today. shit shit shit. effing food sitting there, people staring at me expecting me to eat. I chewed and spat some things, ate some salad and then some unmentionables for real, tried to purge, still didn't work. fuck fuck fuck. 500 is so bad. hopefully i can make up for it tomorrow

I did some sit- ups on the floor to make myself feel better, but i'd rather purge. Why can't I do it??

I had to go out for lunch with the family - its our tradition on boxing day  :(   I picked at a few things, ate some green beans and diet coke. I hope I didn't have more than 300 cals buts its so hard to tell with restaurants. I suspect they essentially fry everything or coat everything in butter. No more food today. I will eat a few veggies at dinner tonight, but its more of a cocktail party, so I will only eat some raw veggies if people get suspicious. And sip on diet coke of course.

Honestly I felt so good about only eating veg for dinner, because we have this big family meal so I couldn't not eat... I didn't eat any dessert, even though today is my birthday and they had a cake just for me along with all of the other desserts like pie, cookies, squares, blah blah blah... So I ate maybe 300 cals and I feel obese. Like actually stuffed to the brim. Soooo lame.

Had two redbulls during the day, and then some broccoli and mashed potatoes for dinner... I'm saying maybe 300 cals at the worst today. Not too shabby. Got lots of great presents... no clothes obviously - I don't want to tell people what size I am. No clothes look good on me anyways - all my rolls and flab just make me look gross in everything.

Gave myself a headache from trying to purge... lame. And I didn't even get anything out of it. No pun intended. especially one as bad as that.

Tried to purge the wine but it had obviously been too long... nose and eyes streaming and nothing came up. Maybe I just didn't try for long enough... I gagged numerous times, my stomach heaving... what am I doing wrong? I have never been able to purge successfully. I KNOW its something you shouldn't start... but does anyone know what I am doing wrong? I heard drinking some water beforehand is good practice, but I didn't think it was neccessary... Any ideas?

Semi-Success

Had two small glasses of champagne and chewed and spat some hors d'oeuvres. Not a bad night. Totally squiffy of course

I'm so afraid to eat because I think I won't be able to stop.

I still can't believe it's Christmas Eve already... and tomorrow is my birthday too! Double the presents! I love christmas morning. I am making cinnamon rolls for my family to have for breakfast, but I will only have SF red bull. I used to be really upset that I couldn't eat like a normal person, but I find as time goes on I don't mind so much. It's almost a high that I get, knowing that I am doing the right thing and everyone else is getting fatter. Especially at the holidays when people stuff their faces and I keep my daily deficit to 1500 cals per day. My body burns about 2000 cals a day, so I can eat 500 if I like although yesterday I only had 250 and it felt amazing. I love the feeling of being empty.

We are having our usual cocktail party this evening at our house, and so I will sip champagne because it is my favourite thing ever. I hate most other alcohol - the taste is repellent. I won't eat, just so that I can have a full glass of wine and not feel too horrible. In fact, i'll probably get shit-bag wasted off of one glass and that's never a bad thing :)

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you get everything you ask for, and then some!

xoxo

So I'm having another SF red bull... but I think that might be enough energy drinks for the day - I hear they can give you heart attacks, but I like how they speed up my metabolism

Just argued with my brother. I hate arguing but he was being so self-centered I had to call him out on it. Plus I was a little touchy because he woke me up from sleeping in. Which is never a good thing. It could shorten a person's life if they wake me up before I am ready, lol

Sugar-free red bull for breakfast - kiiiiiinda shaky

Just had 250 cals for dinner to keep up with appearances. That's it that's all.

He probably hasn't asked me to marry him because he's ashamed of how fat I am. Who would want to marry THIS?

Instead of Eating

sip hot tea, or ice water
drink something fizzy and sugar-free (the bubbles fill you up)
go shopping or out with friends to a movie
clean or organize
read a novel
watch a long movie
take quizzes on blogthings.com
surf the web for thinspiration
paint your fingers or toes
brush your teeth or chew gum
write in a journal, update weight loss journal
take a nap, or go to sleep for the night
dye your hair - the smell of ammonia is gross
take a shower
call or text someone
blast music & dance around in your room
remind yourself of your ultimate goal
work on projects, essays, school work



... did I miss anything?

thinking about also getting a tumblr account... so many interesting and fabulous girls on there too. But I couldn't abandon this blog - this online group of strangers feels closer to me than anyone.

I am afraid to look at the scale.

S&M by Rihanna is really thinspiring for me... I am listening to it now :)

Always so cold... getting that high from fasting... or maybe that's the sugar-free redbull lol

my head and body are aching this morning... I must be dehydrated so I am drinking tons of water today. I guess cardio kick boxing from yesterday is making my muscles sore - I did work out hard. Funny how sore muscles from working out is so great and satisfying, but a sore head from too much restricting still bothers me. I guess I just hate headaches, no matter what the cause. I often get terrible migraines, so maybe that's why. But the empty stomach and sore body muscles are making me happy. I'll just pop some pain killers for the head.

Avoided dinner by going to see Black Swan with a friend... talk about serious thinspo mixed with a complete thriller which would put you off of food no matter what your mental state. geez. but I Loved. Every. Minute.

500 cals burned with kickboxing

2 sugar-free red bulls and a sugar-free mini banana muffin

that's it so far!!

Today was good. 500 cals in total :)

keep strong!

ugh pasta (350) and unnamed horrible snack food which I shall not mention here (400)

750??!!? WHO AM I?!?!

Never mind. i'll try to not mind. I'll burn it off.

Right.

Now.

UGH had a small piece of cheese pizza... but worked it off at the gym.. as long as I can remain even or negative on the calorie count I guess its ok.

Did have a couple crisps last night with a diet coke while watching a movie with my brother. So maybe another 100 cals on top of what I said.

I am sad that my willpower is totally shitty, but at least the day went pretty well.

Today will be great: going to the gym now!

Today: 400 burned off and 400 consumed. Finally a day I can be proud of.

It's not over yet tho... please give me the willpower!!

Life would be so much easier if I could just be normal. Stop this obsessive compulsive crap. I can't even sleep unless everything in my room is organized properly. Right angles, parallel, evenly spaced, not crooked, centered, alphabetized, categorized and cataloged. I am so annoyed because sometimes, every so often, I see myself from the outside and think of how crazy I am. But I can't stop.

living on sugar free redbull... its a nice sort of feeling

Got accepted to 3 law schools so far...  still waiting to hear from my number one pick!! Something to be excited about.

My intake has been high of course, due to my bf always being there... but always exercising!!