had 9 pieces of sushi... that's 300 cals? I guess I'm at 450 cals today... that's pretty high, but I am done eating for the day, so I guess its ok.

it seems I am unable to escape the grasp of carbs... i love carbs. give me white, chewy, doughy bread any day and I will DEVOUR it. pizza crust, artisanal breads, shitty white wonder bread, you name it!!!

ugh it's like my kryptonite... or whatever that is. I can't resist it, it makes me crazy... INSANE.

just ate a sandwich... ew. must be like 250 cals... shoot me now!

Apparently this is my 100th post... Although I am pretty sure I deleted some old ones that embarrassed me, so its probably not actually.

ANYWAYS got on the scale this morning to check my status and things seem to be going well, but I don't officially weigh in until thursday, so we will see.

So nervous for easter... I have a paper due after the weekend, but i'd really rather just relax all weekend. I have been trying to get it done this week, but I am so slow... I keep getting distracted. UGH

omg just ate a lot. a whole roma tomato and 3 pieces of low-cal bread. that's like 200 calories.

gross.

waiting to hear about a job I applied for. I hate hate hate hate waiting to hear my fate. I deserve this job. I am well qualified. I am an excellent employee due to my obsessive compulsive need to be perfect. why are they keeping me waiting?? they said it was a budget thing: they have to make sure they have the money to hire me. suuuuuure, nice try people. You don't want to hire the fat girl. that's fine, that's fine, just please TELL ME... don't pussy out and find another excuse. I hate waiting. it makes me crazy. crazy-er

And it didn't... just had 200 cals of wheat crackers and salsa

Didn't eat anything else yesterday, and haven't eaten yet today. I don't know if my willpower will last all day...

last night had three drinks instead of one... daily total of 550 cals in, and over 1050 spent by walking all day and dancing all night.

today not so good - had 6 ounces of tuna steak and some mashed potatoes... 250 cals of fish and maybe another 250 of mashed potatoes? that's 500 cals today.

not great, but not bad considering that damage that COULD have been done during a boyfriend visit. lots of dancing makes me feel better about eating a few hundred more cals than I wanted.

stay strong my lovelies!

250 cals of sushi. diet coke tonight, maybe one shot of vodka. gotta keep it together.

Just had some bread and butter... 200 cals? Not ideal, but I'm not getting down on myself in light of the fact that I am kicking ass overall. I might have some spinach later, but I think I'm done.

Am I the only one who watches food shows, loves to cook and bake, but hates eating? I am so weird...

Things are going well for me right now, but tomorrow I am going out with friends to a club. Dancing will definitely burn off the calories, but I am afraid of alcohol calories. I don't usually drink because of the calories, so I might just have one vodka and diet coke, and then switch to just diet coke and hope they don't notice!

One of the reasons I rarely go out dancing is that I know I am the fat friend, and I feel so self concious. I don't think I deserve to dress up and have a good time, because of my weight. I hate it so much, because I love to dance. I just wish I didn't feel like people were staring at me, making fun of me, judging me... it's the worst feeling in the world. I am going to try and ignore those bad feelings, because I want to use the dancing to burn calories.

Le Boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend - hopefully he doesn't try and make me eat anything. I'll live on diet coke as long as possible, but I'll likely have some sushi for dinner with him tomorrow. That should be all the food I'm eating though - I don't plan for anything else. Luckily he's not coming until after dinner today, so that's one bullet I can dodge.

Fingers crossed!

Had some sauteed spinach and 2 scrambled eggs. 200 kcals I would guess. That's it for today!

EDIT: I calculated using nutritiondata.com... it's probably only 150 cals

lost 2 lbs this week. bought some vitamins and some slimquick powders you put in your water. feeling dizzy - haven't eating in 2 days. it's amazing.

I've been doing ok this week, but it's never enough. I always hate myself - no matter what I do. I don't know how to do well enough so that I don't hate myself. Even if I do better than yesterday, I still feel like a failure.

eff em elle

under 700 each day on the weekend. Little victories.

so cocktail party kicks my ass... 600 cals of hors d'oeuvres

shit shit shit.

no food tomorrow. gotta punish myself for my lack of willpower.

that's 800 today. EFFFFF

cottage cheese (100 kcal)
crumpet (100 kcal)

gotta stay strong through supper time

haven't eaten yet today. lost two lbs this week. thats too slow for my perfectionist OCD type self. moving ON.

On a brighter note, I am two weeks away from being done classes forever!

granola bar (130)
iced coffee
rice crackers with salsa (150)
2 pieces of bread (160)
nibbled on artichoke dip (200? at the most)
pushed salad around on a plate (60?)

total: 700

gross