Had like 200 yesterday... maybe three. Same today I hope!

Today was amazing. I had water, two diet cokes and a skinny vanilla latte. That's  90 calories today. I can't even tell you the high I am on. But I was seriously looking at food and was afraid of it. My cousins were eating leftovers and chips and dip and candy and I was so scared of that food. My stomach was growling, but I couldn't even touch it. I was scared.

still feeling shitty about last night.. I wanted so badly to not even let that food touch me, but my body had other plans I guess... Onwards and upwards, right? Or in this case downwards is ideal :)

Ahhh fuck I probably had 500 fucking calories today. shit shit shit. effing food sitting there, people staring at me expecting me to eat. I chewed and spat some things, ate some salad and then some unmentionables for real, tried to purge, still didn't work. fuck fuck fuck. 500 is so bad. hopefully i can make up for it tomorrow

I did some sit- ups on the floor to make myself feel better, but i'd rather purge. Why can't I do it??

I had to go out for lunch with the family - its our tradition on boxing day  :(   I picked at a few things, ate some green beans and diet coke. I hope I didn't have more than 300 cals buts its so hard to tell with restaurants. I suspect they essentially fry everything or coat everything in butter. No more food today. I will eat a few veggies at dinner tonight, but its more of a cocktail party, so I will only eat some raw veggies if people get suspicious. And sip on diet coke of course.

Honestly I felt so good about only eating veg for dinner, because we have this big family meal so I couldn't not eat... I didn't eat any dessert, even though today is my birthday and they had a cake just for me along with all of the other desserts like pie, cookies, squares, blah blah blah... So I ate maybe 300 cals and I feel obese. Like actually stuffed to the brim. Soooo lame.

Had two redbulls during the day, and then some broccoli and mashed potatoes for dinner... I'm saying maybe 300 cals at the worst today. Not too shabby. Got lots of great presents... no clothes obviously - I don't want to tell people what size I am. No clothes look good on me anyways - all my rolls and flab just make me look gross in everything.

Gave myself a headache from trying to purge... lame. And I didn't even get anything out of it. No pun intended. especially one as bad as that.

Tried to purge the wine but it had obviously been too long... nose and eyes streaming and nothing came up. Maybe I just didn't try for long enough... I gagged numerous times, my stomach heaving... what am I doing wrong? I have never been able to purge successfully. I KNOW its something you shouldn't start... but does anyone know what I am doing wrong? I heard drinking some water beforehand is good practice, but I didn't think it was neccessary... Any ideas?

Semi-Success

Had two small glasses of champagne and chewed and spat some hors d'oeuvres. Not a bad night. Totally squiffy of course

I'm so afraid to eat because I think I won't be able to stop.

I still can't believe it's Christmas Eve already... and tomorrow is my birthday too! Double the presents! I love christmas morning. I am making cinnamon rolls for my family to have for breakfast, but I will only have SF red bull. I used to be really upset that I couldn't eat like a normal person, but I find as time goes on I don't mind so much. It's almost a high that I get, knowing that I am doing the right thing and everyone else is getting fatter. Especially at the holidays when people stuff their faces and I keep my daily deficit to 1500 cals per day. My body burns about 2000 cals a day, so I can eat 500 if I like although yesterday I only had 250 and it felt amazing. I love the feeling of being empty.

We are having our usual cocktail party this evening at our house, and so I will sip champagne because it is my favourite thing ever. I hate most other alcohol - the taste is repellent. I won't eat, just so that I can have a full glass of wine and not feel too horrible. In fact, i'll probably get shit-bag wasted off of one glass and that's never a bad thing :)

Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you get everything you ask for, and then some!

xoxo

So I'm having another SF red bull... but I think that might be enough energy drinks for the day - I hear they can give you heart attacks, but I like how they speed up my metabolism

Just argued with my brother. I hate arguing but he was being so self-centered I had to call him out on it. Plus I was a little touchy because he woke me up from sleeping in. Which is never a good thing. It could shorten a person's life if they wake me up before I am ready, lol

Sugar-free red bull for breakfast - kiiiiiinda shaky

Just had 250 cals for dinner to keep up with appearances. That's it that's all.

He probably hasn't asked me to marry him because he's ashamed of how fat I am. Who would want to marry THIS?

Instead of Eating

sip hot tea, or ice water
drink something fizzy and sugar-free (the bubbles fill you up)
go shopping or out with friends to a movie
clean or organize
read a novel
watch a long movie
take quizzes on blogthings.com
surf the web for thinspiration
paint your fingers or toes
brush your teeth or chew gum
write in a journal, update weight loss journal
take a nap, or go to sleep for the night
dye your hair - the smell of ammonia is gross
take a shower
call or text someone
blast music & dance around in your room
remind yourself of your ultimate goal
work on projects, essays, school work



... did I miss anything?

thinking about also getting a tumblr account... so many interesting and fabulous girls on there too. But I couldn't abandon this blog - this online group of strangers feels closer to me than anyone.

I am afraid to look at the scale.

S&M by Rihanna is really thinspiring for me... I am listening to it now :)

Always so cold... getting that high from fasting... or maybe that's the sugar-free redbull lol

my head and body are aching this morning... I must be dehydrated so I am drinking tons of water today. I guess cardio kick boxing from yesterday is making my muscles sore - I did work out hard. Funny how sore muscles from working out is so great and satisfying, but a sore head from too much restricting still bothers me. I guess I just hate headaches, no matter what the cause. I often get terrible migraines, so maybe that's why. But the empty stomach and sore body muscles are making me happy. I'll just pop some pain killers for the head.

Avoided dinner by going to see Black Swan with a friend... talk about serious thinspo mixed with a complete thriller which would put you off of food no matter what your mental state. geez. but I Loved. Every. Minute.

500 cals burned with kickboxing

2 sugar-free red bulls and a sugar-free mini banana muffin

that's it so far!!

Today was good. 500 cals in total :)

keep strong!

ugh pasta (350) and unnamed horrible snack food which I shall not mention here (400)

750??!!? WHO AM I?!?!

Never mind. i'll try to not mind. I'll burn it off.

Right.

Now.

UGH had a small piece of cheese pizza... but worked it off at the gym.. as long as I can remain even or negative on the calorie count I guess its ok.

Did have a couple crisps last night with a diet coke while watching a movie with my brother. So maybe another 100 cals on top of what I said.

I am sad that my willpower is totally shitty, but at least the day went pretty well.

Today will be great: going to the gym now!

Today: 400 burned off and 400 consumed. Finally a day I can be proud of.

It's not over yet tho... please give me the willpower!!

Life would be so much easier if I could just be normal. Stop this obsessive compulsive crap. I can't even sleep unless everything in my room is organized properly. Right angles, parallel, evenly spaced, not crooked, centered, alphabetized, categorized and cataloged. I am so annoyed because sometimes, every so often, I see myself from the outside and think of how crazy I am. But I can't stop.

living on sugar free redbull... its a nice sort of feeling

Got accepted to 3 law schools so far...  still waiting to hear from my number one pick!! Something to be excited about.

My intake has been high of course, due to my bf always being there... but always exercising!!

Have applied to law school.. so scary. Keeping my fingers crossed - can't wait to live on my own again and not be watched all the time.

Had a family brunch today - I was pretty good, but not good enough! Never good enough of course

I don't feel any smaller either - so depressing and disappointing

Family always complicates things. Loving them, hating me... how to reconcile those things?

Doing fine, but never good enough. Applying to law school - super scary idea.

oats with water cinnamon and flax [200]
crackers [200]
peanut butter [200]
slimquick powder in water [0]

total: 600

gross

bran with milk [200]
slimquick powder with lots of water [0]

keeping strong.

Banana [100]
Cottage Cheese [100]
Granola Bar [90]
Fish [100]

Total: 390

Rice [150]
Cheese [200]
Spinach [50]

Total: 400

Granola Bar [100]
Grapes [25]
Yogurt [100]
Cereal Bar [75]
Trout [150]

Total:  450

Bran with milk [150]
Wrap [200]
Granola Bar [100]

Total: 450

Bran with milk [150]
Banana [100]
Granola Bar [100]
Peanut Butter [200]
Hummus [200]
Pita [250]
Chocolate [250]

Total: 1000

Obviously not including the calories burned during my workouts

I wish I could eat less. My boyfriend makes sure I eat all day every day. Not to be rude, but the only good thing about it is that I can actually go to the bathroom every day. Which is unheard of really.

I can't even leave my bedroom. The rest of the house scares me. It's so messy and chaotic. It gets in my head and I start to imagine all the ways I could clean it; but i'm not allowed.

Inescapable and Unapologetic

Bran with milk [200]
Pancake [100]
Coffee [100]
Cottage Cheese [50]
Vegetable Soup [100]
Chicken [50]
Brazil Nuts [150]
Chocolate [250]

Total: 1000

yesterday I had

cottage cheese (110)
Banana (100)
turkey sarnie (350)
pizza crust (gawd knows how badly I fucked that up)

so not great. gonna exercise it all OFF

Lost 2.2 lbs this past week. So glad for that.

Going for a run in a bit!

Has a salad and some sugar-free jello last night. Had a banana and three crackers with cheese today. oh and a tbsp of peanut butter. and a piece of bread. with butter. Ew.

today:

1 cup of grapes
2 slices of fat free turkey with mustard

Okay for the sake of honesty, today has been:

Bread: 200
Candy: 300

and I'm gonna have a salad with no dressing for dinner.

Baby steps

Weighed in. Gained. eff eff eff.

I'm back on track though - gonna lose all the weight in a  fury of determination and embarrassment.

Added more exercise in. Trying to stay positive, but really I'm freaking.

stuck in a rut. haven't lost. didn't eat anything today - hopefully that will help.

Definitely been better the last two days... Eating more than I wanted, but eating ANYTHING is more than I want, so I am getting happier. Much better than the Easter Weekend Fiasco. I don't know if I'll lose this week, or just stay the same, but I'm trying to make it so I don't gain!!!

Scariest thing in the world: gaining weight.

I lost 2.5 lbs last week. So happy.

But I feel like I have been fucking it up ever since the weekend started. Easter celebrations, happiness over having done so well... they've all lulled me into a false sense of security. of deserving.

I hope I don't gain this week, but I still have until thursday or friday to weigh myself so I hope I can get back on the horse. like, right now.

fingers crossed I can turn this around.

had 9 pieces of sushi... that's 300 cals? I guess I'm at 450 cals today... that's pretty high, but I am done eating for the day, so I guess its ok.

it seems I am unable to escape the grasp of carbs... i love carbs. give me white, chewy, doughy bread any day and I will DEVOUR it. pizza crust, artisanal breads, shitty white wonder bread, you name it!!!

ugh it's like my kryptonite... or whatever that is. I can't resist it, it makes me crazy... INSANE.

just ate a sandwich... ew. must be like 250 cals... shoot me now!

Apparently this is my 100th post... Although I am pretty sure I deleted some old ones that embarrassed me, so its probably not actually.

ANYWAYS got on the scale this morning to check my status and things seem to be going well, but I don't officially weigh in until thursday, so we will see.

So nervous for easter... I have a paper due after the weekend, but i'd really rather just relax all weekend. I have been trying to get it done this week, but I am so slow... I keep getting distracted. UGH

omg just ate a lot. a whole roma tomato and 3 pieces of low-cal bread. that's like 200 calories.

gross.

waiting to hear about a job I applied for. I hate hate hate hate waiting to hear my fate. I deserve this job. I am well qualified. I am an excellent employee due to my obsessive compulsive need to be perfect. why are they keeping me waiting?? they said it was a budget thing: they have to make sure they have the money to hire me. suuuuuure, nice try people. You don't want to hire the fat girl. that's fine, that's fine, just please TELL ME... don't pussy out and find another excuse. I hate waiting. it makes me crazy. crazy-er

And it didn't... just had 200 cals of wheat crackers and salsa

Didn't eat anything else yesterday, and haven't eaten yet today. I don't know if my willpower will last all day...

last night had three drinks instead of one... daily total of 550 cals in, and over 1050 spent by walking all day and dancing all night.

today not so good - had 6 ounces of tuna steak and some mashed potatoes... 250 cals of fish and maybe another 250 of mashed potatoes? that's 500 cals today.

not great, but not bad considering that damage that COULD have been done during a boyfriend visit. lots of dancing makes me feel better about eating a few hundred more cals than I wanted.

stay strong my lovelies!

250 cals of sushi. diet coke tonight, maybe one shot of vodka. gotta keep it together.

Just had some bread and butter... 200 cals? Not ideal, but I'm not getting down on myself in light of the fact that I am kicking ass overall. I might have some spinach later, but I think I'm done.

Am I the only one who watches food shows, loves to cook and bake, but hates eating? I am so weird...

Things are going well for me right now, but tomorrow I am going out with friends to a club. Dancing will definitely burn off the calories, but I am afraid of alcohol calories. I don't usually drink because of the calories, so I might just have one vodka and diet coke, and then switch to just diet coke and hope they don't notice!

One of the reasons I rarely go out dancing is that I know I am the fat friend, and I feel so self concious. I don't think I deserve to dress up and have a good time, because of my weight. I hate it so much, because I love to dance. I just wish I didn't feel like people were staring at me, making fun of me, judging me... it's the worst feeling in the world. I am going to try and ignore those bad feelings, because I want to use the dancing to burn calories.

Le Boyfriend is coming to visit this weekend - hopefully he doesn't try and make me eat anything. I'll live on diet coke as long as possible, but I'll likely have some sushi for dinner with him tomorrow. That should be all the food I'm eating though - I don't plan for anything else. Luckily he's not coming until after dinner today, so that's one bullet I can dodge.

Fingers crossed!

Had some sauteed spinach and 2 scrambled eggs. 200 kcals I would guess. That's it for today!

EDIT: I calculated using nutritiondata.com... it's probably only 150 cals

lost 2 lbs this week. bought some vitamins and some slimquick powders you put in your water. feeling dizzy - haven't eating in 2 days. it's amazing.

I've been doing ok this week, but it's never enough. I always hate myself - no matter what I do. I don't know how to do well enough so that I don't hate myself. Even if I do better than yesterday, I still feel like a failure.

eff em elle

under 700 each day on the weekend. Little victories.

so cocktail party kicks my ass... 600 cals of hors d'oeuvres

shit shit shit.

no food tomorrow. gotta punish myself for my lack of willpower.

that's 800 today. EFFFFF

cottage cheese (100 kcal)
crumpet (100 kcal)

gotta stay strong through supper time

haven't eaten yet today. lost two lbs this week. thats too slow for my perfectionist OCD type self. moving ON.

On a brighter note, I am two weeks away from being done classes forever!

granola bar (130)
iced coffee
rice crackers with salsa (150)
2 pieces of bread (160)
nibbled on artichoke dip (200? at the most)
pushed salad around on a plate (60?)

total: 700

gross

HA! Didn't gain any weight this holiday. Finally got my diet pills - they make me feel hyper, and I'll let you know if they work :)

Family is trying to suffocate me, trying to make me stop. HA! Well that's the reason I don't come on much when I'm at home - they are too watchful! I'll keep you updated as much as possible!

Think thin!